controlling parents (not mine)

"Why do parents try to control their children?" someone asked at book group. One woman pointed out that we want our kids to avoid making the same mistakes we made, but, of course, we all have to learn from our own mistakes sometimes. Another said that we put so much of ourselves into providing our kids great experiences that we want and expect them to take advantage and be grateful. I think it's a good thing that I teach part-time (i.e., have a hobby, goals, etc.), or I might be more controlling than I am. But Chua, the author of the book we were discussing, is a Yale law professor--certainly not someone who needs to live through her children (though she is not accomplished musically and made her children into concert musicians). One woman in our group theorized that Chua not only needs to control herself, her husband, and her children, but also wants to control everyone within the sound of her voice (This is how you should parent!).

So, what makes some people control freaks? One woman said she decided years ago that she would not be a stage mom because she saw how her friends (and friends' children) suffered under their stage moms. Couldn't the stage moms see what they were doing? And if so, why didn't they stop?

Even though my friends at book group agreed that we shouldn't control our children, the gals on my right and left both said that they blamed their mothers for not pushing them harder, allowing them to quit piano lessons young. Beat that. What's a mom to do? Chua makes the point that if left to their own devices, most children would never choose to practice or work hard. Yes, there are exceptions--children who from birth seek challenges--but most kids need to be motivated. I was one of those kids who needed to be reminded to practice piano for years before I took the initiative. My daughter (age 11), after choosing to play violin, vehemently resisted practicing and lessons. Her teacher said that her friends majoring in music didn't like practicing as children either. But after months of my daughter's complaints, we let her quit. If she ever blames me for allowing her to quit I will first feel very angry and second remind her that quitting was entirely her idea.