fine line

The summer that my third child was 3 1/2, I suffered a sort of mid-life crisis. I was bored, restless. I had three kids at home who required regular, but not constant, supervision. I was in grad school too, but took the summer off (I take every summer off) because when the kids are out of school I lack the energy to do homework after the kids go to bed (which is when I do most of my work). Although I didn't have big chunks of free time, I had more little chunks than I was used to and I didn't know what to do with myself.

So I was fully expecting a similar restlessness this summer, now that my fourth child is 3 years old. Actually the restlessness started before summer. 2010 was a very full year; summer and fall were my busiest months since grad school. Then winter semester I was teaching one class with an assistant and our youngest was learning to play independently--I had free time again. Don't get me wrong. I love being able to read whatever I want, exercise regularly, and watch a good show after the kids going to bed. But at some point I want to see results for how I spend my time. I need a project.

A few years ago the girl cutting my hair (at a beauty school--so yes, she was a girl, not a woman) asked what I did for fun. That seemed like such a weird question. I told her I taught piano and writing (hobbies, yes, but not entirely fun). She said, "So you like writing and playing piano, then?" Well, no, I don't write much or play piano much--I mostly teach.

In high school I did play the piano, though not exactly for fun, and I wrote for school--not fun. I was involved in a dozen extra-curricular activities, but I haven't found a way to transfer most of those to adult hobbies. As a former yearbook editor, I suppose I should like scrapbooking (I don't--at least not in a big way). As a former dancer I suppose I could take zumba.

So, with free time and free tuition, I'm contemplating going back to school. One thing I've enjoyed through most of my life is school. But I'm not quite ready. Our youngest still has 2 years of preschool before kindergarten, and I'm really not sure if I want to have professors dictating what I read and write about. I am committed, however, to taking the GRE in five weeks--the price is 50% in August and September, so I thought I may as well take it now (scores are good for 5 years; that's the sort of discount shopper I am).

The last couple of days, I haven't felt bored. Just when I thought I had free time, the independent study students start turning things in, family comes to visit, friends come to play, people have birthdays, preschool plans fall through, N lets me read the book he's writing, I find interesting books at the library. School is starting soon--I have a new textbook to read and a syllabus to write. I'll soon have plenty of papers to grade and study abroad to plan (the family end of things).

Sometimes there's a fine line between boredom and stress; the challenge is finding the happy medium. I'm lucky that for the most part my busy times are the result of my choices--having kids, going to school, building a house. I just wonder how many of these mid-life crises can one person have?