having it all

Several weeks ago I read in the paper about a famous feminist addressing a large group (sorry the details are so lacking). She asserted that the idea that women have it all is a myth; women won't have it all until men do half the childcare (I'm probably over-simplifying--sorry again).

That assertion, with its vague pronoun "it," got me thinking. What does "having it all" entail? I would expect that equal opportunity is a big part of "it," but I don't think all women would define "it" the same way, and I believe some women do have the "it" they want.

I also thought about a couple shows we've been watching lately: Mad Men and Amazing Race. In the first, the setting is NYC in the early 1960s. Women are housewives, secretaries, and mistresses; men are chauvinist pigs. The roles and views are maddening, but expected given the setting. The latter show is a present day reality show in which 2-person teams compete in a race around the world, completing physical and mental challenges along the way. Teams include 2-men, 2-women, and man-woman. This season there were 3 boyfriend-girlfriend couples, and in all three, the guys were often jerks to their girlfriends, blaming them every time something went wrong. Now, these teams were in high-stress situations, which can bring out the worst in all of us, and the guys seemed to improve over the course of the race, but show after show the men belittled the women, and the women put up with it--the couple with the meanest boyfriend even got engaged.

In thinking about these two shows, it seems to me that while women have gained much in equality over the last 50 years, attitudes about women need improvement. The fact that men do more of the childcare than our fathers or grandfathers did is evidence of shifting attitudes, but I don't think that an equalization of such duties is the solution to perception problems. A bigger part of the solution, I believe, is respect. Women who respect themselves can be happy and successful as housewives or in careers (or doing both), and don't put up with men who mistreat them. Men who respect women treat them as equals (not to be confused with sameness).

I do think that women should get equal pay for equal work, that men should help around the house, that women and girls should have opportunities for education. Many women have very little and want more; many men likewise lack what they need and want. But I think there are women--have always been women--who had enough self-respect to earn the respect of others, and in that sense, have been rich.